Written last Sunday night...
I'm rather in the middle of an identity crisis dance. Not surprising after a big move. What of me stays there? What of me is found here? Part of it is a palpable presence today: A beloved and longtime Stockton musician slid onto the organ bench at St. John's. Here, in my new life that is still forming, I have wrestled - not with the wanting to continue that particular ministry, as I enjoy 'being' with the congregation and hearing the fruits of very talented musicians at St. Anne's - but with the saying goodbye part of it...and not knowing what - if any - sort of work might be mine to grasp later. Grasp. Now, there's a word. What part of me do I own?
I am beginning some work for Grace College here. It is both the same, and yet different, from the work I've done before. The same...in that part of it involves a bit of accompanying. A post-grad soprano working on a recital presents me with the 'Queen of the Night' aria from Magic Flute (orchestral reduction...hmmmm...) I'm reminded of the 'me' that did so much accompanying in my 20's (learning a lot about orchestral opera reductions), a bit in my 30's and 40's (counting school children and choirs), a huge lot in my 49th year and beyond. Always a shifting identity within those. (I would love to have that 20's identity right now. Actually, I wish to command it to appear.) I am the same person...yet different.
I want to tighten my grasp around....well, something. But it seems I can't even tighten a grasp around me. I feel for comforting parameters around me, but there is mostly empty, undefined space.
Enter Fr. C's Year C: Proper 18 (9 September, 2007) sermon. Way before the end, I had mentally and spiritually written that check to God with 'my identity' in the amount spot. Glad to do it, actually. Freeing...immensely. I felt rather like one of the Dog Whisperer's pups, who finds its true self in not being in charge. Exhale.
Now, almost a week after writing this, I find the 'unknown' has almost become a comfortable skin. I'm not sure what color it is. Or if it's silk threads or cotton ones weaving. But it feels strangely comforting and 'right'...in ways I may not even understand yet.
2 comments:
Dearest DD, you will most certainly "find" the real you...because she is always there...just waiting to become the "known." Changes make all of us feel that way...especially such big changes like leaving so much that was comfortable like an old slipper to something that feels uncomfortable...but only because it is the unfamiliar. And then the unfamiliar becomes comfortable and all is well. You are cetainly headed in that direction...and always you know you belong to Him!
Love you!!
...when you aren't finished singing a song or at least, it feels that you aren't finished yet... it hurts so much to pull yourself away from that part of yourself... as you have trusted, you have obeyed , but that doesn't mean that there isn't confusion and pain and a real sense of loss as you move ahead...I have been exactly where you are, more than once... and in moving ahead, been blessed even more...but the former songs still bring a sweet pain and always will...know that we are making this journey as well as you are..."two roads diverged..." it will be a long time before we can forget ...you are a part of our song and will always be...
Post a Comment