My inner clock needs a major adjustment. Nothing new. And, nothing uncommon, from what I hear others say these days. It's irritating to be tired and coming up empty when tapping into energy reserves -- caverns that used to fuel my life but have mysteriously disappeared. And then to be wide awake when I want/need to be asleep? Torture!
So it is now, at about midnight, when I would prefer to be restfully asleep but am uncomfortably and most certainly not. It does not escape me that there are tons of things that would benefit from my attention, even now. And I wish I could give it to them. Yet, I feel held captive by the fatigued-wakefulness and cannot move. Across the street, neighbors who are older than I, have lights on downstairs -- they're busy with some kind of project. I muster enough will to be jealous.
There's an aspect of this sort of contrariness that extends itself to the 'moving' area of my life. Now is the time to continue the monumental work of closing the house/life down, but I suddenly want to build it up! I should be cleaning out the 3rd floor eagle's nest bedroom - emptying being the goal, attaining a certain hollowness. But, no. I want to make it into the secret garden getaway I've always wanted it to be. So, I've vacuumed attic-worthy dust off of it...washed the sodden bedding, and plan to move the bed even closer to the open windows to get a better view of the treetops...grandly unrolled an area rug, purchased to go with the Martha Stewart sheets and the richly painted green floor. Finally! It has at last been freed from its plastic cocoon which tightly wound it when purchased a handful of years ago.
There is still much in the room to be cleaned, boxed (after checking with son J as to what to keep). But my heart's goal is unwavering: it will be my retreat, a source of beauty during a chaotic time, though it have only a bed, a rug and a view. Claiming the space is not a clinging to it - no weeping planned when I finally say goodbye to it. But rather a cherishing, a living into its promise and potential for this time.
No, I'm not Helena Bonham Carter...
2 comments:
Dearest Damselfly, please have your thryoid checked if you haven't already. I recognise those symptoms, I had them myself until I was diagnosed. Still struggle with fatigue--not as bad as before--but now I sleep when I should. Look after yourself!
Gabrielle, thank you for the wise comment. I have been on thyroid medication for a majority of my life. And there are certainly indications that it is 'not quite balanced' at this time. The grandest endocrinologist in the Kaiser world is uncertain of what a change of course would bring. Perhaps it is worth looking into again.
Gratefully, DD
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